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Perhaps you'll learn more about me as you read my blog. For anyone who translates my blog using the translator facility, don't forget if you wish to read the comments in your own language to click on the title of the post down the left hand side otherwise they will remain in english. Also I assume that the translation is accurate but I don't know, so please allow for errors.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Not One Of Our Better Days!

I discovered that Mum had only had two spoonfuls of porridge(the previous days she's eaten a lot)No Lunch and I tried her with some baby food(she hardly touched it)but I thought it wasn't bad(probably better if hot)Chicken Dinner(With parsnip, swede, chicken and more)and Banana and Cookie Crumble. She only had a few spoonfuls of each and I'm only talking about half the spoon with anything on it.

I'd tried her with some pureed stuff at evening meal, again hardly anything.She said she didn't want my cheesy scrambled eggs(which I actually purchased a special food flask to take through)she said she'd try some Chicken Soup(No joy!)and not long before I left I did get some Complan into her and started on a cup of tea but I had to leave.

So this is either a bad day, tomorrow will be better or she's starting to refuse food which the leaflet I was given about what happens when someone is dying may be happening.

She was quite bright, more colour in face, I left the MP3 player for her to listen to music(she asked me to)but the battery will run out eventually and should they take it away for safety, they won't switch it off so it will be playing to no one. She also was holding or it was close by a wooden cross, Mum has always had a strong faith. I have heard her pray for Jesus to make her better...

I think she's been painfree most of the day but was in pain as I left and was wanting a tablet.

Mum did not want me to leave and more or less begged for me to stay. I so want to but can't.

I was told by others on the ward she was asking for me through the night and this morning.

If Mum was in a side room the advantage is that I can stay as long as I wish, if/when that happens it brings the inevitable nearer...and when Mum is on a main ward there is stimulation, in a room on your own, its as if you've been forgotten about and no one wants to know. So what are going to do but sleep?

She said today she is frightened, she said she thinks she is dying and she asked the nurses if she was going to get better and they said that they were going to try to.
I dread that call in the night and that I am not there for her and miss her. Its a long break between visits!...(18 and half hours)I leave at 8pm and cannot return until 2.30pm the next day. You get 90 minutes. Then have to wait until 6.30pm for another 90 minutes. Only 3 hours in her company.

Circumstances have meant I have been at home and been with Mum and Dad. I'm not going to say I wish things had been different, I have been blessed with wonderful parents, a close family, a lovely childhood(some will never have that)but then you realise what you have lost. But then you have to say but look what I had.

Mum looked at the Mother's Card again, she ate a little bit of chocolate(those little milky way stars)I managed to put some cream on her face, arms and hands and put fresh nail varnish on her fingernails. And earlier in the day a little bit of lipstick.

The lady in the next bed lives only a few streets from us. I did not realise.
I am when I lose Mum truly alone! I looked at my mobile phone and it only has a couple of numbers of Mum's friends, some taxi numbers and there are her brothers and that's it. It will be suggested start doing voluntary work, get involved in a local group of some kind. You still come home to an empty house, bedsit or whatever.

I know I am liked and I probably touch other lives when I go out even doing say some shopping but you still come home to an empty abode.

Most who are involved in such work etc...have family they are going back to.
And as long as I am claiming help due to health problems, long as I am able/entitled to with the new benefit rules and the criteria of getting it, if you get out there and try to take a holiday or do something for the community someone will report you or the people who pay out the money will say if you can do that..."You can work!"
I know I should take things one day at a time. Things may work out not as I fear but though usually optimistic, I am finding it difficult to see the positives ahead.

If it all goes wrong at least most of the last 50+ years have been good(we've had our moments)who doesn't and as we get older it was always going to be so.
Well, I ate the scrambled eggs, I have drank the chicken soup a few minutes ago and a cup of coffee. I can see no point sitting up so I'll go to bed and listen to the radio as "We" used to on Sunday night.

If no call comes in the night I'll get up and do some housework in the morning, I've let things slide a bit the last few days...

And then start all over again. I would do it forever, Mum is not a burden to me.
I love her! I always will...Its pure unconditional love on both our parts. Nothing more. Although that's quite a lot.

5 Comments:

Blogger crl2amb said...

Anthony

I can't believe it, I just typed out a really long message to you and it would not accept it. Maybe it was too long.

I have to go to bed now. I will be thinking of your Mum and yes I will pray for her too.

Hope you get some sleep tonight. It is quite natural for all these thoughts to be rushing around your head - you would be very odd if you were able to be happy at such a trying time.

You seem a very strong person to me Anthony to cope the way you do.

Night,
carol x

18 March 2012 at 22:37  
Blogger The Great Gildersleeve said...

Thanks Carol x

Sleep well...

Don't you hate it when a post goes missing...

I have had that happen a lot(usually due to a broken connection)and found it is worth typing it and saving it then cutting(or copying it)and pasting it then if all fails you can go back to it and do it again...

18 March 2012 at 23:13  
Blogger The Great Gildersleeve said...

I obviously haven't gone to bed yet but will soon...having tomato in a wholemeal bun and a cup of milky coffee.

18 March 2012 at 23:15  
Anonymous VQ said...

Sorry to hear that things are no better, Gildy, but glad to hear that you've had eggs and soup.

Being on one's own isn't so bad. At last you can be selfish and do just as you please and you can eat what you like without having to do something different for someone else.
I know that you're perfectly happy to do what you can for your mum, but I'm just saying that being alone isn't too bad so long as you go out regularly.
I find that I talk to people at bus stops much more than I used to.

Anybody got a remedy for a chesty cough? I'm up in the middle of the night because I can't stop coughing.
I'll try a drink with honey in it.

Let's hope for a better day tomorrow, Gildy.

19 March 2012 at 02:49  
Blogger The Great Gildersleeve said...

Hope you managed to settle down again VQ.

I know what you say is true and what will be will be...

I do wonder if having her lay down all the time whilst making her comfortable(I suppose)and easier to clean hastens the situation. They have never attempted to sit her up.

OK she's weak but no chance of any mobility the longer she stays on her back.

When I hear the coughs of some on the ward(sorry VQ)really chesty noisy coughs)in need of nebulisers, Mum's chest is as clear as a bell.

I/we were ready to have more care if needed at home, even a hospice would have been nice(there is one in the town where this hospital is)and another the same distance from home.

The busses are bad to get to the hospital and non existant at night(approx £15 per trip)£30 daily.

Someone said go to the restuarant to fill in time...It closes now every night at 5.30pm(weekends its closed)I guess that means a lack of business.

Mind it doesn't help that its on the lower ground floor and everything else happens from the ground floor up to a fifth floor.

Of course I don'y know how bad Mum's cancer is where it cannot be seen and they've never really alluded to that but as they were offering colostomy(Bad I know and a major op)if strong enough there was some hope of some kind. I hope they haven't just given up on her.

19 March 2012 at 07:59  

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