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Perhaps you'll learn more about me as you read my blog. For anyone who translates my blog using the translator facility, don't forget if you wish to read the comments in your own language to click on the title of the post down the left hand side otherwise they will remain in english. Also I assume that the translation is accurate but I don't know, so please allow for errors.

Friday, March 16, 2012

I Am Heart Broken...

I was very upset when I lost my Father and wondered how I would get over it but of course Mum was there for me and I was there for her.


Today, when I went into the hospital Mum was very sleepy and I could not get any real response. I sat and held her hand and tried to do a few little tricks that normally would get a reaction...nothing! So I was happy to think well at least she is resting, is not in pain and not troubled.

I was told that she'd eaten a lot of porridge this morning but had refused anything else(Lunch)

Well, if she woke up I had my yogurts and flasks of tea, coffee and chicken soup!

Half an hour after arriving I was taken into a side room by a young Dr and was told...

It would be optimistic to think Mum will rally round. They seem to be only giving her until Monday at the most and should a side room become vacant they are moving Mum and allowing me to stay as long as I wish. There isn't a room free at present so I had to come home and could not stay on the ward. They will phone if Mum's condition changes whatever the time and I can phone anytime.

They say they'll try and feed her if she'll take anything by mouth, liquids especially but they are not going to feed her with one of those tubes down her throat. They are giving up on the usual tests they keep doing(Blood pressure, bloods etc...)They are putting one needle in which they can then feed drugs and medicines into and not disturb her. I guess that will be morphine and she'll sleep her time away.

They tried Mum with a yogurt tonight and she turned it down...I managed to get two small yogurts into her and she was more awake tonight and was able to talk a little...

She said how she loves me and that I have nothing to ask for forgiveness over. She still hopes to get home(that hurts when I know what I have been told)She asked if she looked alright too and even without the makeup she does...

She listened a little to her music on the mp3 player(I took it through)

I phoned all the people I know will be sorry and thought a lot about her, not many and they are so upset, even the local taxi company are down about Mum. Her brother in the states, the other one in Barnard Castle, two friends on the town...that's about all there is to tell.

Its going to be so hard but others are going through it like me...as I was phoning people another young lad was on a mobile sobbing his heart out and saying "They've found a small pulse but that's all!" I'll always wonder was it his Mother, Father, Wife, Son, daughter etc...who knows.

So I am dazed and its like living a dream.

The carer(I'm not supposed to know her number but I have it)is upset and walked through the door at the hospital and visited Mum tonight and Mum gave her a lovely smile. The carer wants to come to Mum's funeral and will be asking for time off to do so.

Mum always liked and used to sing to me Doris Day's " Que Sera Que Sera, Whatever Will Be, Will Be" and she'll always think of Mum when she hears that song and she sang it Monday and Mum was able to go the bath then.

I do wonder if I did the right thing forcing Mum to that appointment on Wednesday, if I know what I know know Mum could have passed away at home as she wished. Or if she'd become more poorly maybe I'd have still had to call the Dr and she'd have been taken into hospital still...

I'll never know...

They're not supposed to but you wonder if they are giving medication that will help her but they know it will mean she sleeps and passes away.

Again, I'll never know...

So the next post could be the hardest I will ever have to write.

7 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh Gildy :o(

No matter how prepared you make yourself for that news, you're never prepared.

I know how you feel about second guessing your decision. The same happened with my Mom. All she wanted was to pass at home. She'd got an infection and we took her to the hospital and her body was so worn out she just couldn't fight anymore. On one hand, I felt really guilty, on the other, I knew there was nothing else I could have done, and she would have done the same. I think things happen the way they're supposed to sometimes.

You're doing everything possible. You're spending as much time with her as you can and trying to make however long she has as comfortable as possible.

You're a very strong man, Gildy. You'd never have gotten this far if you weren't. I know it may not seem like you'll get through it, but you will. It just sort of happens without you realizing it.

Hang in there, my friend. My heart is with you both. :o(

Jan

16 March 2012 at 23:49  
Blogger The Great Gildersleeve said...

Thanks Jan...

I have a couple of incidents(probably small in reality)which are making me feel guilty even though I have been good 99% of the time I have been with Mum during these hard times.

I hope such doubts are natural and they will leave me and lessen with time. I can't go back and change things now can I?

I think this is normal Human nature.

She needs all my love, cuddles and kisses whether I lose her or she surprises us.

And whether she knows what I am saying what or doing. I plan to give her plenty of that whilst she's still here.

I have a Mother's Day card I will take in and hope she is well enough to know I have given it. I would hate her not to see it.

17 March 2012 at 00:03  
Blogger The Great Gildersleeve said...

I'm not perfect...who is?

17 March 2012 at 00:04  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Non of us are perfect Gildy.
Thinking of you and your Mum and sending hugs.

17 March 2012 at 01:27  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yes. That's natural and it will lessen with time. You know in your heart you've done everything you could for your Mum. And she knows it too. She's your Mum for goodness sake. Who knows you better?

I know how it was with my mother, and I know how I would feel about my sons. She's a Mum. She knows.

17 March 2012 at 01:48  
Blogger The Great Gildersleeve said...

I have had both the carer and gardener(Our odd job man)tell me how much she thinks of me, bless her...

I don't want praise but I guess it helps...

When Mum does go, it will be me next in a hospital trying to get fixed, some know I have medical problem that I have put off.

If Mum was going to be here for quite some time I was going to get it seen to but if not as it appears it will be, it will be done afterwards.

On my own...as if I haven't seen enough of Dr's and hospitals.

Someone said this is the natural order of things...parents were never meant to see their children go first. It's true...its not going to make things any easier.

17 March 2012 at 03:26  
Blogger The Great Gildersleeve said...

But you know that and I am stating the obvious aren't I?

17 March 2012 at 03:44  

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