I Have Just Had A Cry...
I happened to come across the last two photo's I have of Mum and you can see that she is ill and has lost weight but it's still my Mum. I should not apologise but I just lost it.
I think this is how it always will be...
But I still don't think that I am depressed, just going through the grieving process. If I think I need help...I will seek it.
In time I may still arrange to see our Dr and get some reassurance that all we could do was done...it may give me closure.
Though I have lost my faith a little I had every intention of going to Communion today but it was pouring with rain and I was going to walk it(slowly)otherwise that's £5 return with a taxi. Mum's worth it but...
Anyhow, it's on again next week so I have another chance...
There are a few events I can attend eventually(even for a meal)and coffee morning the trouble is many of them are at the church near the Nursing Home Mum passed away and by taxi that would be £12 return every time. And to get a bus I have to go to the town centre(walk it)or get a taxi there so by the time I do that, I may as well get one and have it take me to the church.
To be honest, if it wasn't for the churches trying to do a bit of social for the local population(I suspect the elderly and vulnerable)no one else seems to be doing it.
And thinking back I am still angry what the Social worker and District Nurse did to Mum. How she was forced to have a daily bath which mostly everyone else thought was un-necessary, as she was kept clean 24/7 this was such a chew on for her. They didn't even do that in hospital or the Nursing Home.
The stress that was caused.
To be honest the organisation that was supposed offer support for carers was a waste of time and they never seemed to be of any use(and I did not realise that they shared the same building as where the District Nurses and Social Worker was based)so they unofficially probably shared information.
And though there is probably nothing they could do now Mum is no longer here, everyone just disappeared. No one has just knocked the door to see if I am alright.
I have heard that someone else is in the home Mum was in and they like most of the staff but there are a couple they aren't keen on and if they are the same one's I am thinking of I feel that way too.
It was said on the radio the other day complaints about the care in Nursing Homes is up especially on two points, not enough staff and not responding to alarms as quickly as they should(I could say that was a problem at the home Mum was in)I saw it. And yet the home has a glowing report from the Government department that checks homes out.
I think this is how it always will be...
But I still don't think that I am depressed, just going through the grieving process. If I think I need help...I will seek it.
In time I may still arrange to see our Dr and get some reassurance that all we could do was done...it may give me closure.
Though I have lost my faith a little I had every intention of going to Communion today but it was pouring with rain and I was going to walk it(slowly)otherwise that's £5 return with a taxi. Mum's worth it but...
Anyhow, it's on again next week so I have another chance...
There are a few events I can attend eventually(even for a meal)and coffee morning the trouble is many of them are at the church near the Nursing Home Mum passed away and by taxi that would be £12 return every time. And to get a bus I have to go to the town centre(walk it)or get a taxi there so by the time I do that, I may as well get one and have it take me to the church.
To be honest, if it wasn't for the churches trying to do a bit of social for the local population(I suspect the elderly and vulnerable)no one else seems to be doing it.
And thinking back I am still angry what the Social worker and District Nurse did to Mum. How she was forced to have a daily bath which mostly everyone else thought was un-necessary, as she was kept clean 24/7 this was such a chew on for her. They didn't even do that in hospital or the Nursing Home.
The stress that was caused.
To be honest the organisation that was supposed offer support for carers was a waste of time and they never seemed to be of any use(and I did not realise that they shared the same building as where the District Nurses and Social Worker was based)so they unofficially probably shared information.
And though there is probably nothing they could do now Mum is no longer here, everyone just disappeared. No one has just knocked the door to see if I am alright.
I have heard that someone else is in the home Mum was in and they like most of the staff but there are a couple they aren't keen on and if they are the same one's I am thinking of I feel that way too.
It was said on the radio the other day complaints about the care in Nursing Homes is up especially on two points, not enough staff and not responding to alarms as quickly as they should(I could say that was a problem at the home Mum was in)I saw it. And yet the home has a glowing report from the Government department that checks homes out.
posted by The Great Gildersleeve | 3:12 pm
14 Comments:
You're having a bad day, Gildy. This is bound to happen but they will get fewer and fewer. Perfectly normal.
You had a lovely mum and you've lost her. Of course, you'll get upset from time to time.
Whatever happened at that nursing home, you can do nothing to help your mum now. You did all you possibly could while she was here. That's what you have to cling on to.
She had the best of sons and she knew it.
Thank you for your words of comfort and support VQ,
I was a loving son most of the time and went the extra mile but I'm not perfect and a few occasions where perhaps I was not as "Nice" as I could have been, bother me when she was so unconditional with her love, it was frustration on my part because I knew as an example I had to get nourishment into her and things like that.
I'm not a saint, who is?
I'm probably being too critical and beating myself up. And a few incidents are being blown out of proportion.
I said to Carol I wish I could have cuddled her more especially in those final months though I did hold her hand and talk to her and tell what she meant to me and kiss her.
And in the early days I never realised how ill she probably was, neither of us did...
As you say it's not going to bring her back.
It has to get better...if Mum is somewhere watching over me she'll know what she meant to me and I am sure that she did whilst she was here.
But hey, it will be my turn one day, I can't get out of it!
Oh please don't let me end up needing care at home and come under a District Nurse and Social Worker and if I end up in a home...
All natural feelings I am sure and you have to find your own way through the loss of a loved one and the grieving process.
Anon had some wise words and was understanding in some his/her comments on an earlier post...
You know I can remember Mum asking Dad if she had anything to ask for foregiveness for anything so perhaps it's something we all go through.
I think I asked Mum something similar myself when I was able to and thought the time was right and got a similar answer. That I didn't so I should accept that.
As you say, Gildy, nobody is perfect.
On my husband's last day, we had had 'words' and for a long time that bugged me. As time goes on, one accepts that it's all part of life. Deep down, we all know what we mean to each other and, as a mother myself, I can assure you that your dear mother knew that she had a gem in you.
Absolutely no need at all to beat yourself up. You did all that you possibly could.
Gildy
Absolutely huge hugs to you. I did not have time to respond re hugging your Mum and not being able to because of those cage bars around the bed.
I felt just like that.
I wanted to get onto the bed with my Mum and let her just snuggle in my arms as you would do with a child, after all we are still little children deep inside before life starts to paint it's tapestry on us.
I can really understand your anger with all the bathing when people are so unwell - my goodness you would almost think they are hastening the process with the madness. Every few days would be quite enough. After all years ago people only took a bath once a week.
I feel your pain Anthony. Hang in there. Will email soon.
Cx
My feelings exactly Carol, You know a couple of times Mum asked me to lay next to her, I assume to feel close and have some comfort(she was in the bed and I would have just been on the duvet)at home I might've but in the home I thought that was out and besides it was only a single bed.
I think the "professionals" did add to our problems but I have to try and let it go. She loved it when she knew no one was calling or they'd gone and we could do as wished.
Once they were involved, there was no way you could stop them.
I fear them getting involved with me in the future. If I thought that would happen I'd like to be taken sooner rather than later, if possible without knowing and peacefully in my sleep. How morbid. Sorry about that.
I always remember an old gent (another one!) saying to me once when I was in my twenties. "Never get old" he said "It's horrible",
most people have these thoughts at some point.
I guess though that there are some things it is best not to dwell on!
Cx
I find myself saying similar things myself, Carol.
Usually it's 'growing old is no fun'. I'd be fine if it wasn't for my greatly reduced mobility.
The bus stop which is almost outside my house is a lifeline.
Luckily, the bus stops right outside a supermarket. I just don't know what I'd do without it.
As said previously some people do sail through life and don't think about things deeply. They also probably have not experienced depression but if you are sensitive and caring it's a fair betsuch thoughts are normal and something many of us feel.
I suspect we have all had(mild or otherwise, depression in our lives)but it makes us who we are.
And in reality we are probably stronger because of it and though the down side isn't nice maybe we appreciate the good side of life.
I'm sure that it will go away when it's ready too.
I know VQ, it must be terribly frustrating to not be able to get about like you used to.
I am pretty sure I am going to be a terrible old person no-one would want to be around. a) I have a really low pain threshold and I will cry and cry - and b) I am already a terrible old whinge bag, so goodness knows what I'll be like in 10 years time!
At least we can all support each other through these things.
I have had depression and I do suffer some quite bleak feelings, sometimes for no apparent reason.
I think the only thing you can do is try and keep on top of these things and not let them rule you completely.
Of course easier said than done!
Cx
Well, we're there for each other and hopefully prove that when they say friends on the internet don't count...We do!
It's funny, I feel more upbeat today and like myself.
As I write this it's struck me, recently I have felt down mostly on...Sundays and that was the day Mum passed away so perhaps without me realising it, that has something to do with it?
Plus Sundays are always a bit gloomy anyway. Don't you remember from being a kid?
Cx
I can remember that Tony Handcock programme where he goes on about Sundays being boring, if ever you get the chance to hear it have a listen.
He goes on about how there is nothing to do and how basically you are just waiting for it to come around to bedtime...that there is nowhere to go, the cinema is showing films they've already seen(it would appear in the 50's they did that, a bit like the repeats we get on tv these days)
And his opinion of the food he is served up for Sunday Lunch is less than complimentary. :-)
I can remember Sundays being quite nice as a child...Sunday lunch, two way family favouries, the Billy Cotton band show, The Clitheroe Kid, Round the Horne etc...
And watching tv...I forget a lot of what was on but I do remember "Thunderbirds" "Pinky And Perky" "Titch and Quackers" :-)
I remember staying up late(Mum and Dad)never really chased me to bed and they usually used to be a US detective programme on at 11pm and we'd have lovely open fire, Dad would be in a chair, Mum on the floor snuggled into him between his legs and his hand on shoulders and I think I was in another chair close by.
And we all felt so safe and close.
We did feel sad at the thought another working week was starting for him(sometimes Mum when she did work)and I'd be going back to school.
Weekends were special.
Sometimes we would manage a run out in the car to the local seaside or park. Where I'd feed the rabbits and ducks.
Alternate Sundays Grandma would come for her lunch and tea and stay most of the afternoon.
I'm trying to think what we had for tea but amn having difficulty remembering. I assume we'd have sandwiches of some kind and possibly tinned fruit with something like Carnation milk. Possibly a Bird's Eye Trifle.
I seem to remember supper was if anything was left over from lunch there would be fry up...
You know...the potatoes and vegetables would be mashed up and fried like a big pattie and divided up and served with probably brown sauce and some bread.
My memories are a little vague but it was perhaps 50 years ago...
I can remember that Tony Handcock programme where he goes on about Sundays being boring, if ever you get the chance to hear it have a listen.
He goes on about how there is nothing to do and how you are just waiting for it to come around to bedtime...that there is nowhere to go, the cinema is showing films they've already seen(it would appear in the 50's they did that, a bit like the repeats we get on tv these days)
And his opinion of the food served up for Sunday Lunch is less than complimentary. :-)
I can remember Sundays being quite special as a child...Sunday lunch, Two Way Family Favouries, the Billy Cotton Band Show, The Clitheroe Kid, Round the Horne etc...
And watching tv...I forget a lot of what was on but I do remember "Thunderbirds" "Pinky And Perky" "Titch and Quackers" :-)
I remember staying up late(Mum and Dad)never really chased me to bed and most Sundays there was a US detective programme on at 11pm something like "The Streets Of San Franciso" and we'd have lovely open fire, Dad would be in a chair, Mum on the floor snuggled into him between his legs and his hand on shoulders and I think I was in another chair close by.
And we all felt so safe and close.
We did feel sad at the thought another working week was starting for him(sometimes Mum when she did work)and I'd be going back to school.
Weekends were special.
Sometimes we would manage a run out in the car to the local seaside or park. Where I'd feed the rabbits and ducks.
Alternate Sundays Grandma would come for her lunch and tea and stay most of the day.
I'm trying to think what we had for tea but am having difficulty remembering. I assume we had sandwiches of some kind and possibly tinned fruit with something like Carnation milk. Possibly a Bird's Eye Trifle.
I seem to remember supper was if anything was left over from lunch there would be fry up...
You know...the potatoes and vegetables would be mashed up and fried like a big pattie and divided up and served with probably brown sauce and some bread.
My memories are a little vague but it was a long time ago...28 years since my Father passed away but my Gran used to still visit well into the 1990's. 15 years since my Gran passed away.
I've remembered another couple of programmes from Sunday afternoons..."The Golden Shot" "Bullseye" and "Stars On Sunday"(Remember Jess Yates on his organ :-)
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