Sometimes It's As If Mum Never Existed...
Now, sadly Mum is only a name. As Mum's name is removed from bank accounts, utility bills and anything else where her name was, even the name disappears. She lives in my heart and mind and when I go, she is no more...the photos I have won't mean anything to anyone else, there's no point trying to take any of myself.
I don't need to see myself and who would want photo's of me, I always wanted more of us together and had she not taken ill I was going try and ask someone to take some.
All that remains are some clothes and costume jewellery, if I ever give them away to a charity shop there is nothing.
Then again, I don't really have anything belonging my Father and a lot of his story is lost because the relatives are not alive.
Like the story that I only half remember where his Father who though he worked as an engineer in the local British Rail Engineering Shops was also known as a singer and I seem to remember seeing a business card for his Father once that said that he was a baritone or something. That my Father was a good artist and he'd drawn something and it was sent in to the conductor Sir Adrian Boult at the BBC and some letter came back saying how impressed he was.
That my Father wanted to go into the RAF in the war but his job was seen as being vital to WWII. That he wanted to go into psychiatry but circumstances stopped that. He was classed as an electric welder but he did so much more. Many people in the town found themselves working for the same engineering works and when it finally closed it hit the town hard.
My Father's mother died either giving birth to him or soon after and it's said that the stepmother was the arch typical "Wicked" stepmother. And when he could he got out and lived with one of his sisters who was married. She used to stand waiting for him coming home from work to take his wages off him. By then his father had passed away. It seemed to happen an awful lot. What happened to any personal possessions or keepsakes of the family heaven knows...
It's sad that my Father having had to retire early and having purchased a new car and with plans to do all kinds with Mum only managed a year before dying of cancer. Even his own brother who mad a life living in Surrey and commuting into the city each day on a train to Waterloo and then to Bond Street where he worked his way up to manage Fenwicks. He again only managed a year or two before he too passed away. And then his Brother's wife did not live much longer.
But the strangest thing is just before my Uncle died he had the urge to come back to his roots and see all his realtives and he motored all the way on his own...and I cannot remember why it came up in conversation here but he brought up that stage production/film "Oh What A Lovely War! and he lost it and started to cry.
Wish I could remember why, there was obviously much more going on...
I cannot remember how long afterwards(but it wasn't that long)I understand his wife had made him a cup of tea to take back to him in bed and when she returned he'd passed away.
This is a sad post...
But even if you compiled a family tree and found out who was married to whom and the children born, that still is without any human story about who the people are. And as I have no little Gildy's and its not likely our side of the family is no more. There are no heirs. Dad's brother did not have any children so again no heirs. And most of the remaining lines are where Mum or Dad's sisters married and had children so they don't carry the same surname and its the start of another branch. We've died out!
And as I keep changing the utility bills into my name or close down bank accounts(I did it again today when I was out)you feel as though you are wiping out all traces that Mum existed. Its a horrible feeling...
I don't need to see myself and who would want photo's of me, I always wanted more of us together and had she not taken ill I was going try and ask someone to take some.
All that remains are some clothes and costume jewellery, if I ever give them away to a charity shop there is nothing.
Then again, I don't really have anything belonging my Father and a lot of his story is lost because the relatives are not alive.
Like the story that I only half remember where his Father who though he worked as an engineer in the local British Rail Engineering Shops was also known as a singer and I seem to remember seeing a business card for his Father once that said that he was a baritone or something. That my Father was a good artist and he'd drawn something and it was sent in to the conductor Sir Adrian Boult at the BBC and some letter came back saying how impressed he was.
That my Father wanted to go into the RAF in the war but his job was seen as being vital to WWII. That he wanted to go into psychiatry but circumstances stopped that. He was classed as an electric welder but he did so much more. Many people in the town found themselves working for the same engineering works and when it finally closed it hit the town hard.
My Father's mother died either giving birth to him or soon after and it's said that the stepmother was the arch typical "Wicked" stepmother. And when he could he got out and lived with one of his sisters who was married. She used to stand waiting for him coming home from work to take his wages off him. By then his father had passed away. It seemed to happen an awful lot. What happened to any personal possessions or keepsakes of the family heaven knows...
It's sad that my Father having had to retire early and having purchased a new car and with plans to do all kinds with Mum only managed a year before dying of cancer. Even his own brother who mad a life living in Surrey and commuting into the city each day on a train to Waterloo and then to Bond Street where he worked his way up to manage Fenwicks. He again only managed a year or two before he too passed away. And then his Brother's wife did not live much longer.
But the strangest thing is just before my Uncle died he had the urge to come back to his roots and see all his realtives and he motored all the way on his own...and I cannot remember why it came up in conversation here but he brought up that stage production/film "Oh What A Lovely War! and he lost it and started to cry.
Wish I could remember why, there was obviously much more going on...
I cannot remember how long afterwards(but it wasn't that long)I understand his wife had made him a cup of tea to take back to him in bed and when she returned he'd passed away.
This is a sad post...
But even if you compiled a family tree and found out who was married to whom and the children born, that still is without any human story about who the people are. And as I have no little Gildy's and its not likely our side of the family is no more. There are no heirs. Dad's brother did not have any children so again no heirs. And most of the remaining lines are where Mum or Dad's sisters married and had children so they don't carry the same surname and its the start of another branch. We've died out!
And as I keep changing the utility bills into my name or close down bank accounts(I did it again today when I was out)you feel as though you are wiping out all traces that Mum existed. Its a horrible feeling...
posted by The Great Gildersleeve | 8:19 pm
10 Comments:
It's the same with me, Gildy.
My husband's brothers had no children and my sons have no children so, when they've gone it will be the end of our surname too. Still, we just have to think of the good times we've had. In any case, the World is rather overcrowded so we can feel that we've done our bit to stem the flow.
That was a lovely pic of your mum on the sofa when she was well. Why not have it enlarged and put it somewhere prominent?
You could keep a posy of flowers by it. That would be better than paying hundreds of pounds to the crematorium for a name that nobody will see.
Just a thought.
Well, we all are as important as each other and there must be many, many people who have been on this Earth and will never be known.
The only people that are known are those who perhaps write a book, star in a film, a tv programme, explore, invent something or perhaps find a cure for something nasty but there are many who have given as much by caring for people who are ill and tried to give that troubled person peace.
I usewd to ask Mum if she was bothered that she had no Grandchildren, if she had she'd have loved them more than anyone could and we would have been blessed.
Children are special. But if you don't have them its not any good regreting it. Does it matter having a name live on...I'm not so sure.
Your suggestion is a nice one VQ.
As I was walking through the town centre and thinking about things I thought that I may either buy or find a Mothers Day card and a Father's Day card and when the date comes around again remember both of them and put them up with a my thoughts written in them and maybe do similar when their birthdays come around again...even if I use the same one each year.
And yes, when I know how I am financially I may not buy a massive bunch of flowers but certainly some carnations or something similar.
I have plenty of time to decide about how to remember Mum and save up if I decide to do something special.
But they are hurrying me up regarding the actual laying of Mum's ashes.
That's going to feel strange. I may have to do it alone but I may try and suggest that her brother and his wife might like to accompany me.
It may feel strange leaving Mum approx 4 or 5 miles away. And it being difficult for me to visit.
But it is a nice landscaped garden with a pond and wildlife.
I have no idea why we never attended Dad's scattering and I have no idea where his ashes were scattered/placed.
But we did have his name in the rememberance book but I don't remember them charging anything like what they want to now.
And our vicar says there will be a service and get together soon for people like me who have lost a loved one, we'll probably light a candle and have a cup of tea afterwards and we can have Mum's name put in a similar book in the church on this town and it will be opened on the day every year.
I don't know whether we have to pay or whether its free but its the church that we all attended in our town. And its easier to get to and to see.
I think paying any money to a crematorium is a waste........and if you feel the need to do that, you should have had a grave to visit.
I do the same as VQ, anniversaries either mine or my family, I have a vase of flowers. Memories don't disappear and no one can take those; they are yours and they are precious.
Don't waste money on anything.......and another thing, you shouldn't have any hassle about the ashes. My undertaker said they would keep mine until I wanted them. I had them at home in a cupboard until we took them to be scattered in a favourite spot. But whatever you decide to do, don't be pressured into doing anything you are not happy with. I didn't receive any unsolicited corespondence from either the undertaker or the crematorium.
I posted as you were posting, so my comment is rather superfluous now.
Your comment is valid Anon...I have heard that ashes can be kept for upto 10 years.
I'll look into that. Perhaps if they try to rush me I will bring them home and make a decision later...I can't at the weekend but can on Monday...
I got a phone call from the crematorium and when I tried to discuss matters the person on the phone rushed off because they had another service taking place.
I have added some more to the post since these comments were written.
This is weird my Father and his brother had unsual forenames, to do with Scottish Castles and The Lake District. I don't know why but I have just put both their names into Google search and there are two or three with the same forename and surname as my Father and one of them has just passed away in the last few months!
And there is someone alive now with the same Forename and surname as my uncle. What are the chances of that? Especially when they are not common names...and to have both!
I don't believe this...I have found quite a few people called the same as Mum now on the internet but amazing another person of the same name as Mum passed away in hospital nine days after her...
For all you know, your father's father may have had brothers. You should try joining Ancestry.co.uk free for two weeks, you might find 2nd cousins you didn't know about !
As far as not knowing where your Father's ashes are scattered ,if you know where he was cremated, his ashes are probably scattered in the garden of rememberance there. They might even have kept records .
I think regarding my Father's ashes its a fair bet that's where they'll be. I cannot understand why we were not contacted nor why we didn't ask questions...
The only other brother that I know of died along time ago.
Some of our family were really close, Mum married into my Father's family and one of her sisters married the son of his Father's brother. This is quite complicated but I hope it makes sense.
I lost a baby between my two sons, Gildy, and my Mom and Sister bought me a Wisteria plant. I planted it in my garden and she blooms every Spring. It's a really lovely way to remember her. No plaque or anything, just a beautiful reminder. Perhaps a rose bush or something like that for both your parents, or a flowering indoor plant if you aren't able to take care of an outdoor one.
As for remembering, I believe the lives you touch daily are your legacy. People you don't even know will remember your Mum. Perhaps you should record your family story at http://storycorps.org/ ? It would be a great way to memorialize them.
As for the convoluted family, I have one of those too! I married my husband, his oldest brother married a woman with a daughter and that daughter married my brother (they've since divorced). So a one time, I had sister-in-laws who were mother and daughter. :o) It's hard to explain all the family connections and it usually makes peoples eyes cross when you try!
Genealogy is really interesting. I've got our family back quite a ways without trying very hard. And it can help pass the time.
Jan
Thank you for all of your advice and suggestions Jan. That's a lovely idea, I could see about planting a rose tree or someting and having it near me in my present garden.
If I have to move and there is another garden I'll plant another, if not I'll keep a plant or have flowers.
Its my birthday on May 30th now that will be strange having no card from Mum(I think I have one from last year I can put up)and Mum not there either but perhaps in spirit.
And as I say when you talk to most peoiple they have had to deal with tragedy in their lives.
A very kind taxi driver has told me that he lost a baby daughter years ago and a brother a few years ago and found it difficult to accept and still misses them.
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