Should I Question the Treatment Mum Was Given Before...
she went into the Nursing Home?
Could they have removed the tumour whilst it had shrunk with Radio Therapy, they said at the time it had not spread according to the scan. Why did they not give surgery a try and allow it to grow again or am I just beating myself up for something that still would've happened. Did they give up because Mum was a certain age? The care plan Mum was given for the Nursing Home was(I understand, though I only found out on Friday from the Coroner)arranged by the Oncologist so Mum was probably never going to get out of it and back home.
And right from the start Mum was only offered palliative care so I guess we knew what the outcome would be. It was a case of when.
Yet the hospital where she was treated is now being touted as a main hospital for treating cancer in Europe and we are having some features done across the week on the local radio telling how much they'll be able to do for people suffering this horrible disease. It's had millions spent on it(£35Million)and I assume more up to date equipment installed. Too late for Mum? Would it have made any difference, who knows I mustn't beat myself up otherwise the coming years will just be full of regret. And for what...
I wonder if we are predisposed to this disease(I mustn't start thinking about that)but I lost my Father to lung/throat cancer possibly brought on because he smoked. He only managed a year of his retirement and was not much older than I am now myself. I'm sure my Father's brother died of a similar reason(oh this is so miserable)and Mum with Rectum Cancer. I think my Father's sisters also succumbed to cancer. Then again when they say one in three will suffer from it, its not surprising that we come into contact with it because of someone we know if its not ourselves. So again, with statistics like that I should probably just accept things as they are.
Could they have removed the tumour whilst it had shrunk with Radio Therapy, they said at the time it had not spread according to the scan. Why did they not give surgery a try and allow it to grow again or am I just beating myself up for something that still would've happened. Did they give up because Mum was a certain age? The care plan Mum was given for the Nursing Home was(I understand, though I only found out on Friday from the Coroner)arranged by the Oncologist so Mum was probably never going to get out of it and back home.
And right from the start Mum was only offered palliative care so I guess we knew what the outcome would be. It was a case of when.
Yet the hospital where she was treated is now being touted as a main hospital for treating cancer in Europe and we are having some features done across the week on the local radio telling how much they'll be able to do for people suffering this horrible disease. It's had millions spent on it(£35Million)and I assume more up to date equipment installed. Too late for Mum? Would it have made any difference, who knows I mustn't beat myself up otherwise the coming years will just be full of regret. And for what...
I wonder if we are predisposed to this disease(I mustn't start thinking about that)but I lost my Father to lung/throat cancer possibly brought on because he smoked. He only managed a year of his retirement and was not much older than I am now myself. I'm sure my Father's brother died of a similar reason(oh this is so miserable)and Mum with Rectum Cancer. I think my Father's sisters also succumbed to cancer. Then again when they say one in three will suffer from it, its not surprising that we come into contact with it because of someone we know if its not ourselves. So again, with statistics like that I should probably just accept things as they are.
posted by The Great Gildersleeve | 3:03 pm
13 Comments:
The thing is, Gildy, you couldn't have done any more for your mum than you did.
As for the medical side of things, I'm afraid we're in 'their' hands. We are not surgeons/doctors/nurses so we can't possibly know whether any more could have been done for her.
You can rest easy in the knowledge that you did everything you possibly could and probably more than most of us could or would have.
Your mum was a very old lady who succumbed to a nasty disease. It was amazing that she lasted as long as she did and I am convinced that she would have gone months ago had it not been for the loving care she received from her devoted son.
You have nothing - absolutely nothing - to beat yourself up about.
Unfortunately Anthony you are going to have these thoughts whirring around in your head until some time has passed and your life takes another turn.
One technique I use for thoughts which will not go away and are bothering me, is to say that I will think about them for half an hour and I am not allowed to think of anything else.
Because the mind is like a wild horse in many way, it seems to then take you away from the thoughts you were trying to quell and on to something else!
Take care,
C x
I have to stop going over old ground VQ and stop what does look like feeling sorry for myself. I suspect if Mum had not got the cancer she would have been here for quite a few years yet.
The information on the Cruse website says all that I am thinking are natural thoughts and many will keep going around in circles.
Another is the thought of taking your own life or feeling guilty because you are alive and they are not.
I've managed to avoid thinking that way so far.
I cannot say that I will not experience depression at some point and need to ask for some help but lets just see how things go.
I don't think it means that I am any less strong characterwise.
I always remember the actor Jeremy Brett who played Sherlock Holmes on TV found that he could not live without his wife when she passed away and took his life. He really must've had a great love for her.
Gildy, by the time they discovered your Mum's tumour in her bowel, I'm afraid she would have already had secondary cancer elsewhere, & no amount of treatment would have made any difference. Perhaps they chose not to tell you & your Mum that her cancer had spread elsewhere, because they could see that you were distressed & agigated & decided not to tell you, incase you accidentally told your Mum 7 frightened her . Also I think about a third of elderly people die of cancer, soI'm afraid your Mum's case isn't a rarity.Please try & stop chewing things over in your mind , it's not helping you.
No, it isn't helping but it is natural to do so.
So much to look forward to. Heck, barely a week has passed. Things will not be sorted in days.
Gildy,
I think VQ's comment is to be noted.
You looked after your mum so well for a long time. Don't beat yourself up over what might've been. I can't imagine that it would help anyone.
You are right with what you say.
My worries are now more what the future holds for me and my finances.
Even if was to think of moving, smaller properties really are few.
How long was your Mother ill Gildy?
I was wondering how long it took to start the treatment?
That's difficult to say Anon.
I mean she had her hip operation in late 2009 so surely if she'd had the problem then it would've been spotted? Even though it has nothing to do with what she went into hospital for.
We thought when ut started it was a hemmoroid and had no reason to think it was anything else. I could start to blame myself for not making Mum go to a Dr earlier but its no good reproaching myself.
I could start saying I should've made Mum go.
I could question the lack of follow up to see how Mum was after her hip op from our local Dr's surgery, I don't think anyone came to see except the first week she came home when the physiotherapists chcked she was doing her exercises.
Along the way we probably all were to blame for what happened but Mum was managing after hip op so there seemed no reason to see a Dr.
I would have difficulty actually pin pointing when the what we thought was a pile actually appeared for the first time. Memory gets a bit mixed up.
I'm tempted to say late 2010 or during 2012. We really only mentioned it when Mum said it was hurting and...it was increasing in size.
I guess it just proves if anything like that crops up its worth chasing it.
If I want to beat myself up thinking this way I could say We were told it was a slow cancer and perhaps had it been seen earlier Mum would still be here...I don't honestly know.
She was first seen in September when the Dr called at our home and I think the Radio Therapy started in October.
She was seen again in January for a follow up and March when she eventually ended up in the home after a week in hospital.
Doctors really are a law unto themselves.I am not sure what their actual role is, as they dont seem to be able to diagnose anything these days without sending you for a scan.
There were subtle signs to the start of my father's cancer which were just not picked up on, for example he was smelling things that were not there.
Well, its no good me beating myself up and if the Coroner is happy...
We still think the strangest question from the Coroner's representative was the day I had to give permission for the Post Mortem and identify Mum's body..."Are you planning to sue the Nursing Home?"
Doesn't that depend on what is found when the Post Mortem is held?
But I was told that Mum was not dehydrated or nutritionally deficient and they say the Pneumonia is connected to the cancer and often goes hand on hand with the cancer.
I can't bring Mum back. And how can I question decisions once Mum is cremated? And do I want to delay the funeral still further?
How have you coped with losing your Father and the questions you seem to have?
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