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Perhaps you'll learn more about me as you read my blog. For anyone who translates my blog using the translator facility, don't forget if you wish to read the comments in your own language to click on the title of the post down the left hand side otherwise they will remain in english. Also I assume that the translation is accurate but I don't know, so please allow for errors.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

I Don't Know How I Feel...

In some ways better than I did but I still feel that I have been lied to. I was definitely told that they were unhappy with the care Mum was receiving so naturally that sounds like criticism of the carer we have had. How can it sound like anything else. If you find out that someone has phoned the care company to complain, what does that sound like? How can you take it any other way?

It would appear that we are still having to accept an extra three days per week to our care package so we'll have someone 7 days a week(not 4 days as present)

Here's the twist though...we still have the carer that they were seemingly having problems with and now it appears that the complaint that went into the company's office was not aimed our carer specifically(but you still wonder if that is the case who the complaint was aimed at)So I am still suspicious...perhaps that's my nature.

So reluctantly we have accepted the extra few days of care...so they have got their way.

But now this raises other issues, the way I was told about the situation they did say the care was below par...so if our carer is still ok to do the caring of Mum she must have been doing it right in the first place so then is the problem actually a criticism of me? And they are telling white lies by making it sound as though its someone else?

I still look after Mum approx twenty three and half hours, seven days a week. And I think I do one hell of a job. I keep on top of the housework(The house will never be a palace and the furniture/carpets have seen better days but its clean)and hey we're not likely to entertain so why worry, see to our meals and general care of Mum and in many cases I am doing what the carer is being paid to do. And not being paid...

If we eventually get allowed some extra cash it will be eaten up by extra costs for extra care and perhaps the need to keep the heating and lighting on more. And other things that are unexpected.

Whatever the reason for the change of the care plan and whoever they blame, why go about things indirectly...why not just come out and say what is bothering them and give me or the carer the chance to defend ourselves? They gave us stress and worry that we don't need and should not have at these difficult times.

Our carer says that she knows my Mum is well looked after and I am doing a sterling job but as a carer if she felt I wasn't looking after Mum she would say so to her boss and would be expected to even if just to cover herself.

If someone called unexpectedly just before or after something has to be done you might be criticised unfairly. I've had a knock at the door as I am in the middle of doing a task for Mum.

Also you are criticised for silly reasons like "Why don't you have a flowery counterpane on your bed?" and "You only have a sheet covering you." If you are warm and happy, and you only want a sheet over you why make a big thing of it...

A sheet makes it easier to get at Mum if you need to clean her numerous times say overnight or you perhaps are laying on a bed rather than in a bed perhaps all you need is a light sheet as our carer said a counterpane on someone so slight in build as Mum she may find it too heavy.

Equally, who would wear a skirt if you were in bed? Mum will wear a skirt if she's sitting, laying on a bed or moving around the house but its easier to change her if you don't have to keep removing a skirt all the time and it can save the garment possibly getting dirty and needing being washed earlier than it needs to be...

Now this may seem strange to some, I'm sorry if it does but in recent months I have found that I am warm enough not actually being in my bed but appreciate/prefer laying on the bed. I like the freedom of movement.

They said if Mum has a bath with a carer it gives me time to have breakfast and put my feet up...I haven't had a sit down breakfast for over 30 years...I eat if and when I am hungry...If I fancy a bowl of porridge or cereal I grab it when I feel I want to.

I don't think we are peculiar but maybe we don't everything as everyone else does or we're expected to and I'm not going to be forced to change my way of going on to suit someone else's view of how we should be.

So I think though I'll accept things for now...I will be taking up how the situation has been handled and how it did not help keep us on a better footing than we could've. I hate people who are not direct with you.

All the points that were put to me I could knock for six but I could've said more if I'd been having a one to one with the Social Worker. And I realise because of the extra speed the extra visits by a carer have been arranged it was already a done deal. As they left my home after most offices are closed, it could not have been done as quickly.

I did talk to the care company and they said the only way to proceed if we felt that we have to is talk to the Social worker again or go over her head to her boss. But we do have rights and can speak out if we want to. I will certainly talk to the Social Worker again.

BTW I wonder what they'd make of this...for whatever the reason Mum is warm but is laying on the bed at present without any bedclothes on her, they wouldn't like it!

The only two things I know of which the District Nurse appeared to blame the carer for Mum's hair being untidy(If you are having a sleep I don't think that's to be unexpected and Mum/the carer and myself always tidy her up)and Mum's hands being dirty.

I think I had changed Mum after the carer had been so she was waiting for something to be replaced, if the District Nurse had called 10 minutes earlier/later all would have been well. I think she has been very harsh. I think she may've mentioned Mum had no skirt on...who sleeps in a skirt? And as she wears those Tena type pants its easier for Mum and me to get to them if you don't have to start removing other clothes...

She does wear clothes if she is out of bed or downstairs.

I think that the District Nurse jumped the gun...

So we assume that we are going to get someone else but that has not been said yet and we've made it clear we're not happy.

I think if Mum had been asked "Does the carer wash You?"

"Does the carer clean you?" etc...

Mum would have replied yes and no and added comments but I think the way Mum was asked Mum probably just said that she was happy with the care she was getting and that probably wasn't as detailed an answer that they wanted to hear...

But we know that supposedly they did not complain about the carer but if you are criticising the care being given, isn't that exactly what you are doing? It does not add up.

4 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

My advice is- don't dig yourself into a hole by being off (I am not saying you are, as obviously I don't know you and your just text on a page)and defensive when people come, just be polite as normal.
Remember they cannot judge you on one person's opinion, but then I know certain situations can be exaggerated by our own minds (I have been there) and you may just be interpreting something that maybe not happening at all?
When I was caring for my relative, I found track suit outfits were ideal for his situation as they are warm,can be worn in or out of bed and are easily to put on and easily cleaned, especially a short sleeve top if you can find them.Asda use to do them for about £8 a set.

15 December 2011 at 21:14  
Blogger The Great Gildersleeve said...

Thanks Anon,
I'm usually open and friendly but this was one time I felt I was being marginalised because they were not talking to us but at us.

Me in particular as I am the main carer and I was being talked to as though I am a child.

And there are still certain things that don't add up.

Of course you are reading only one side/view and it would be great to have all sides represented, giving a rounded view. But that "Ain't going to happen!"

I have tried to present what happened as dispassionately as possible.

I feel the procedure was handled very badly. The Social Worker should have been here on her own, having allowed the District Nurse the chance to be heard without any input from me.

And I think how it was done would get most people's back up, even the most docile amongst society.

You feel as though your hands are tied because you cannot say what you wish as you feel they(Social Services)have the power to invoke legal procedures at a whim.

And I do wonder what is written about me in the files at her office which I don't have access to.

I have been lied to, I have no doubt about that as I was being told that the care Mum was getting was below par and a complaint was phoned into the care company so it looked as though the carer was being criticised and that's how it was presented to me when they called here(but I realise from other bits of information I have accessed)the person being critised is really me.

And what was really being arranged was for an exension of how often the carer comes in to see to Mum and they had not complained about the carer so again who else is there to criticise? Me!

I have talked to our carer and she sees things from our point of view(you may say that she would)and agrees that they are talking about silly things.

If the care was so poor interesting that she is being brought back to continue what she was doing and also do the extra days so it looks as though it is my care they are criticising and that is wrong.

Yet they keep saying you are doing a wonderful job and coping well(they obviously say that but don't mean it!)

Its good to scrutinise and check care of a vulnerable person in society and I appreciate some horrible stories have been featured in the media so you have to be careful but I would've appreciated being talked to direct. And being allowed to defend myself.

The amount of times people call on us from various departments and often(and usually without any prearranged times)if Mum was getting care that is suspect it would've been seen before now(its been going on for three months)

No one could be kept any cleaner then Mum, if you saw how much she is changed, clothes and bedding washed so regularly to avoid any chance of infection and Mum too even if you saw sometimes how miniscule any mark is on an item that is deemed to be dirty and requiring washing, it still means on all the above any criticism is wrong and it was done in a heavy handed manner.

I'd like some honesty especially as its expected of me.

My washing machine will, I fear, wear out very quickly the amount of washing I do.

But if you don't behave in what is seen as a conventional way that goes against you...

Examples like me being told to have breakfast whilst the carer is here, I've rarely sat down to a prearranged breakfast, I grab a bowl of cereal whenever I am hungry and being in our situation we don't have set mealtimes.

Or the bother over the fact there is not a counterpane on Mum's bed...it may look pretty but its not needed, its just more work and Mum is warm enough. The carer even said with Mum's slight build the extra weight might actually be uncomfortable for her.

Your idea about track suit bottoms would work but you know what, the way this lot thinks, they probably would make something out of that if I was to do it and say there is something wrong that an elderly lady is dressed in such a way.

16 December 2011 at 07:59  
Blogger The Great Gildersleeve said...

Now this is quite personal. Mum has leakage and its a bit like having a tap that drips but it is from the bowel.

Because she has to be kept ultra clean, she is changed often and has to be washed regularly and/or have creams applied to protect the skin and the tumour.

In theory if you did this as often as you should, you'd never stop...so to some extent you have to try and change regularly but leave a little bit of time and hope with the use of creams(especially barrier creams)skin will be protected from infection and stop the area getting sore.

Now this may something that might've happened anyhow. But it could be to do with the tumour which is in the area and it stops Mums "Bum" hole from being closed as it should, so that means what would normally be contained until you pass motions...leaks out.

If we did not give Mum a little bit of rest between changes we'd all be tired. And imagine how many pants we'd use. And it must be awful enough for Mum.

After the last few days I do wonder what is held on file about me and I feel as though if I put a slight foot wrong or don't fit in with how they see things I'm going to be in trouble and I am having to be ultra careful(as if I wasn't)

None of them see what I do over the twenty three and half hours daily regarding care of Mum.

She wouldn't get that amount of care on a one to one baises in a hospital or a care home as good as many of those are.

And above all else Mum is warm and happy. What more can you ask.

And I have said it before you can have a carer call 4 times daily and as soon as they walk out of the door, you may have to do what the carer has just done.

And as for the District Nurse who set all this away in approx 3 months we've hardly seen her and regarding actual care I'd say it only amounts to minutes.

The other nurses in her team see Mum more often and they have been ok about the care Mum has been getting.

16 December 2011 at 08:17  
Blogger The Great Gildersleeve said...

Just a thought...is all this happening because its a son looking after his Mother? Rather than say a daughter doing likewise? Is it any different to a daughter looking after their father? Or a wife/husband looking after their partner?

I ask because when they talked to me the old chestnut came up about Women having different biological parts to men...Really? I'd have never have guessed.

16 December 2011 at 08:28  

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