This Blog...

has become sad and a kind of diary of Mum's passage from life. I have had times where I wondered if all this should be out there and it should remain private. Even if its true that I am about to lose Mum as I once said I feel guilty that I am betraying Mum's right to be private and her privacy.

The only thing is when you have no one to talk things over with even though you are only putting your thoughts down as they go around in your mind and it doesn't change anything, you do feel some kind of relief. Writing here must be similar to those write a diary or a book that remains private and is never seen by anyone or is sometimes published for the public to read. I don't know if I'll ever re-read these posts.

There are times when I feel like saying why would anyone want to read what I have to say, what importance have any of my views?

To some extent we still have some privacy because we(well,I am hiding)behind a made up persona.

Saying that I feel guilty I also feel that I writing Mum off already. Mum is still here, Mum is still a living breathing person with feelings and emotions.

There's plenty of time to arrange what will have to be done and plenty of time to reflect. I will probably be doing that for what remains of my life and I will never have a day go by where I will not think of or miss Mum.

Daft things go through my mind though such as do I have a church service or hold it at the crematorium? Not expecting many to attend mainly because people I know to be friends of Mum have passed away themselves(others may be there that I don't know of)but maybe they'll see the announcement in the local press.

Different crematoriums have different prices but I'm not going to judge on cost. I think some newer cremes may look nicer but I will probably choose the same one that my Father was cremated so they are kind of together and I will have something inscribed in the book of remembrance at the same place. With so much time passing by they will be on with another book so are unlikely to share the same one but what I will choose to say is another matter.

Its tempting to repeat what was said for him...Dearly Loved and Sadly Missed. Resting in God's Garden.

Then to some extent Mum says she wants a private funeral service. I don't know if such things exist. Then again a vicar usually likes to know something about the person. I don't know as much about Mum as I probably should and there aren't many in the family left to ask about her life. How much should really be included. How many of her family from when she was a child should be mentioned? Otherwise its going to become a list of names.

I do know that it was touch and go whether Mum survived when giving birth to me and we both could've lost our lives but we came through and my Father prayed all night.

I know Mum and Dad met by chance. Many people in the area used to go to a place to have a dance at the end of the week and Mum had seen him walking across the dance floor and thought she liked the look of him but nothing happened.

When everyone was waiting to go home and in the bus queue, Mum was getting pushed around and losing her place, she suddenly felt this arm come around her and pull her back into the queue and safety, it was him.

They got talking, he walked her home and I guess the rest is history. He had a look of the actor Ronald Coleman and it was said to Mum a few times "How did you get him?" and she used to say "Well, he must've seen something he liked in me!"

We were a very close family and they remained like newlyweds all throughout the marriage. Even Mum's father who was too ill to give her away at the wedding said "You will never find anyone like him!" My father was a caring person, he even shaved my Mum's father who was so ill.

I wouldn't be who I am if it wasn't for Mum and Dad, I was never ever held back or stopped from doing anything, circumstances worked out as they have. I have asked if Mum regrets that I never had any children(Grandchildren)and straight away the answer has always come back "No!"

I know Mum likes the Hymn "What A Friend We have in Jesus!" So if Hymns can be played/sung I'll choose that one but there are so many others I think I will have the other favourite of so many(I think we had it at Dad's service)Praise My Soul.

Practicalities mean I do have to think of things I'd rather not I have just realised, I don't think that I have any dark clothes in my wardrobe and may not even own a jacket or a suit so may have to buy one. I don't think any of the clothes I own are suitable and are too bright and colourful. Unless I can find the old suit I used when I used to work in retail approx 30 years ago and I still can fit into it(it was a pinstripe suit)

Otherwise I may have go to Tesco's(A UK supermarket)and try to choose and match up something suitable at a reasonable price and I may even have to find a white shirt too. And as I wear trainers all the time I may have to see if I can find a pair of shoes too.

All extra stuff I can do without having to think about.

Update:I have made a mess of my bedroom but finally got into my wardrobe(It will take all afternoon to tidy everything up)Hurrah...I found two dark jackets neither no longer fit. I found the jacket of that suit I mentioned earlier...it doesn't fit either.