Mixed Feelings...

I awake and Mum is still there. Talking and breathing. I can feel her and cuddle her. All seems much as it should be but I know that it isn't.

My stomach has that feeling of butterflies or its in knots. Occasionally, you get that lump in your throat and a dry mouth. All natural feelings I'm sure.

Of course I don't want to put Mum through un-necessary suffering making her last days worse for no gain and I assume as I mentioned earlier(I think)when a Dr called on Wednesday and I asked what criteria would they not give treatment and it seemed it wasn't age/cost but whether they thought a patient is too frail.

I know that each case is different of course I do in my heart of hearts but I have read and heard of quite a few cases where a patient was thought too frail but treatment was carried out and they survived and made a full recovery or had a long time in remission.

I'm not sure why radio therapy has not been considered either. I've always known what is important to me and what my priorities in life are but this really brings it home.

I'm clutching at straws but I now wonder...we were given the choice of attending two hospitals, would we have been offered the same diagnosis/lack of treatment if we'd chosen the other one? Its the same trust so they may use the same consultants.

In my own case my kidney specialist is at a large hospital out of the area and he does satellite outpatient surgeries at a hospital within my area(The other one that we chose not to go to)

And then I understand we can ask for a second opinion, well, that will get the original Consultant's back up won't it? Will we really gain anything pursuing that line?

What a wonderful woman Mum is...she has to be frightened and her mind must return to what the future holds and what will happen and it hurts me that a few times I have had to ask questions I'd rather not but Mum said today that she is managing(for now)to put this out of her mind and not think about it. I wonder if it was me if I could see things that way.