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Perhaps you'll learn more about me as you read my blog. For anyone who translates my blog using the translator facility, don't forget if you wish to read the comments in your own language to click on the title of the post down the left hand side otherwise they will remain in english. Also I assume that the translation is accurate but I don't know, so please allow for errors.

Wednesday, October 05, 2011

Am I Doing The Right Thing?

Feeding Mum and building her strength up?

In one way I assume that if Mum isn't wasting away she has something to fight with, isn't so weak which may please the consultant when we see him.

Then again am I by building her strength up feeding the possible cancer that she has within...

Perhaps I am imagining it but even after a few days of adding full bodied milk in her complan and getting some solid food into her I do think that Mum is putting weight on again. I thought when I held her that her ribs were not as easy to feel.

Some days when I wake everything seems as it should be and has been for as long as I have known. Then it hits home and the worry and depression hits again my stomach feels all knotted up again...

You wonder what each day will bring...

I do know that I will struggle financially contrary to what everyone keeps saying. I am constantly told that you'll be ok and you will manage and be taken care of. I still think I'll have to go careful on what I eat, whether I heat the house, I will have to pay for my medicines. Can I afford for my garden to kept tidy? I may have to see if I qualify for the local authority to do it and if they will, is it free or will I have contribute towards the cost?

On a less selfish note, the carers arrive tomorrow morning at 9.30am to see Mum. Still not sure what they will do.

Mum is brighter today but it doesn't help knowing what's coming. Any death is a shock to those who are left behind but if someone dies in their sleep or suddenly its better for the person themselves. It's awful when you know you are dying or your loved one is and its always there hanging over your heads or there in the background.

Still mixed up whether to push for possible Chemo or take the line the District Nurse keeps pushing that you want quality time and as much time as possible and chemo may just make Mum feel ill and only offer weeks and months, and its a lot to put her through, if its as slow at taking hold as has been suggested we may have longer than we think to be with each other(I hope)but of course Mum has not had a any scans or x-rays and we don't know if they'll be offered.

Its really, really difficult. And I know that I am not alone, that many families have had or are having similar experiences.

Its probably natural but I am going through a period of thinking do I want to continue myself after I lose Mum and what is the point of it all. But its not as if I can determine how long I have, that's out of my hands and I am not contemplating suicide. So don't worry about that. But I may worry how the next twenty five years will be and I may not be here as long as that myself.

This all brings back memories of a period in my life when I was very young and I became very clingy of my parents and needed a little bit of help from our family Dr as I was worried about losing my parents, only now this is for real.

4 Comments:

Blogger Span Ows said...

Hi Gildy, I am reading all your posts; it is all very interesting (if we can apply such terms to this sort of situation!). I feel disinclined to comment to much: you seem to cover most of what needs to be said yourself!

5 October 2011 at 18:18  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Gildy, there is nothing I can say to help you in this difficult time.
I just wanted to let you know that my thoughts are with you both.
Take care.
Ton x (MissM)

5 October 2011 at 18:30  
Blogger The Great Gildersleeve said...

Thanks Span and Ton,
I appreciate your thoughts and support.

What can anyone say. It must be quite a sad and tortured read.

I could quite understand some saying its just about me and I am forgetting about the person who is really going through this...Mum.

Well, I am spending all the possible time I can with mum. I'm hardly on the internet.

I have an mp3 player playing the kind of music Mum likes on shuffle, she wouldn't be interested in listening to speech radio and a lot of stations play "Loud" music.

Television has changed so much, if I was able to get Mum to go downstairs there's not much of interest.

So really all we can do is keep each other company. Hold hands, cuddle, sleep, be there for each other and make the most of the time we have.

You realise what your priority in life is, if you are fortunate to have a partner, a loved one, family, enjoy them.

Its been said to me get out and make friends, join some groups but you still have to go home, turn the key and enter a house on your own. Maybe that makes it seem even worse.

5 October 2011 at 19:16  
Blogger The Great Gildersleeve said...

I must've gone through this situation before with my Father and I'm sure I arranged everything but Mum was there and so we were supporting each other. Now its just me dealing with it and then facing it alone.

Life is hard.

None of us were asked to be born and if we had not been we would not have to face the pain that many of us have to.

You cannot even take even the nice parts of life with you, it all has to be left behind.

Perhaps being intelligent is the curse of being Human, animals have feelings but likely as not(am I wrong to assume this?)they will not have the thoughts that play around in our minds.

Maybe I'd have preferred to be an animal.

I hope I don't have to face a similar situation where I know I am ill and cannot get better. I hope its quick.

5 October 2011 at 19:25  

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