When I First Saw Mum Having Difficulties...
I should've overrode the Nursing Home and called a Dr in...why did they not do so even if he'd said what we feared was happening was going to...I mean I spotted Mum shaking or making what seemed like involuntary movements on the Friday morning(or was it the Saturday)and the overnight nurse told me not to go anywhere.
Mum did not ask for the morphine in the end but was given it. I took what they were doing as the right thing because they care for the elderly and they always had said that they would call in a Dr if needed...Why did I take their word. Mum might've got home, Mum might have rallied. The fact she became well enough to leave the hospital after having a blood transfusion and surprised and pleased them, perhaps Mum could've fought off the pneumonia with some help. The fact we were told the cancer was slow and Mum would pass away of natural causes or old age is pneumonia classed as other causes?
I am unsure just how far the cancer had spread even if the coroner put that down on the death certificate and that was put as the second cause... pneumonia was the first.
Did they get Mum out of bed enough, did I request that she was sat up more than she was. As said before I never heard any difficulty with her breathing not until the last day or so, even then not was is called the death rattle and no cough only sometimes after drinking. That should have been mine or their clue to call in a Dr? Was my cousin right but he was going by his wife works in a nursing home herself?
I have had a better day until now, why can I not let this go? Why does it still haunt me. Why cannot I not lose this guilt?
I have memories of Mum and yet not specific events come to mind or conversations we had. I cannot even remember her voice. Is this normal, will it ever come back? I cannot remember as much as I would like about my Father so perhaps it will always be this way :-(
You are all going to get tired of me going over old ground but I suppose this is still to be expected as it is early day and part of the grieving progress...
I'll tell you one thing Mum was able to do and even when in the Nursing Home as clear as a bell...and it was prompted by it coming on the radio when they were discussing the French election...she could sing(in French)The French National Anthem - La Marseillaise.
Sadly it all happened to quickly to Mum...had she survived until the Monday and I could've got a Dr in I wonder if things might've been different, why did I take the advice of what our equivelent of the NHS Direct service gave me and not call a dr in? The only thing is had I done so Mum passed away approx only 60-90 minutes after I had spoken to them so it probably was too late. A Dr probably could not have got there in time...
Mum did not ask for the morphine in the end but was given it. I took what they were doing as the right thing because they care for the elderly and they always had said that they would call in a Dr if needed...Why did I take their word. Mum might've got home, Mum might have rallied. The fact she became well enough to leave the hospital after having a blood transfusion and surprised and pleased them, perhaps Mum could've fought off the pneumonia with some help. The fact we were told the cancer was slow and Mum would pass away of natural causes or old age is pneumonia classed as other causes?
I am unsure just how far the cancer had spread even if the coroner put that down on the death certificate and that was put as the second cause... pneumonia was the first.
Did they get Mum out of bed enough, did I request that she was sat up more than she was. As said before I never heard any difficulty with her breathing not until the last day or so, even then not was is called the death rattle and no cough only sometimes after drinking. That should have been mine or their clue to call in a Dr? Was my cousin right but he was going by his wife works in a nursing home herself?
I have had a better day until now, why can I not let this go? Why does it still haunt me. Why cannot I not lose this guilt?
I have memories of Mum and yet not specific events come to mind or conversations we had. I cannot even remember her voice. Is this normal, will it ever come back? I cannot remember as much as I would like about my Father so perhaps it will always be this way :-(
You are all going to get tired of me going over old ground but I suppose this is still to be expected as it is early day and part of the grieving progress...
I'll tell you one thing Mum was able to do and even when in the Nursing Home as clear as a bell...and it was prompted by it coming on the radio when they were discussing the French election...she could sing(in French)The French National Anthem - La Marseillaise.
Sadly it all happened to quickly to Mum...had she survived until the Monday and I could've got a Dr in I wonder if things might've been different, why did I take the advice of what our equivelent of the NHS Direct service gave me and not call a dr in? The only thing is had I done so Mum passed away approx only 60-90 minutes after I had spoken to them so it probably was too late. A Dr probably could not have got there in time...
posted by The Great Gildersleeve | 3:26 pm
3 Comments:
You're still processing, Gildy. It's seems to be part of it, at least it was for me too.
It comes in waves like that. One minute your doing something completely different, then all of the sudden it will creep in or even hit you right between the eyes and then it fades again. That's how I experienced it anyway.
You will find a place for all of that eventually, my friend.
Best to do what you're doing, and voice it when you can. It seems to help put things into perspective.
Jan
Thank you Jan,
I sometimes feel as though I am living and doing the daily chores "Because I have to" I think the problem is that I will never ever have a definative answer.
I do have times where I ask if I want to go on and what the point is but you could ask that even when nothing horrible has happened in your life...
All the things we do are probably done as a distraction to stop us thinking too deeply about things.
Whatever we do we are filling in time.
Even after the Post Mortem and what the Coroner's representative said to me, I have to keep saying to myself, if they felt something was wrong they'd have flagged it up! Possibly wanting an inquest.
I think what you say is so true and you can emphesise because you have experienced it. I'm trying to think did we have these doubts when my Father passed away. How did I come to terms with his illness and passing...
Do I not remember because that's how your mind deals with things so we can go on again...
Is this a bit like when people go into therapy and they manage to find things you didn't even know where hidden in the recesses of your mind.
I still don't think that I have depression though.
I agree with all that Jan says above.
All that you are experiencing is perfectly normal.
Why would you be feeling excessively happy when you have just lost your mum? Of course you feel 'down'. It would be very odd if you didn't. But things will gradually improve.
Give it time, Gildy.
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