How Do I Feel About Life At Present?
When I took ill approx 15 years ago...I did not want to die. When I came home from hospital just walking around the town centre and familiar surroundings and standing at the back door feeding and watching the birds in the garden meant so much. It was good to be alive and life was precious.
You can see that I was happy with the simple things of life!
I still am and yet having gone through what I have, and though I am still not in a hurry to go in another way I am less bothered if the time I have remaining is shorter than it might be. After all I'm not overly happy that its likely my health will deteriorate and the thought of ending up in a home similar to where Mum was, I'd rather be dead!
And the thought that I may have visits from a District Nurse/Social Worker/Carer coming into my home doesn't fill me with delight either!
That's terribly defeatist and downbeat(I hope its temporary)
posted by The Great Gildersleeve | 6:25 pm
5 Comments:
It's up to you to make sure it's only temporary. Only you can do that!
If your anything like me, Gildy, right now your kind of numb and you feel like your on auto-pilot. It will probably take a while to get your feet underneath you again.
I tended to pull every negative thing in. I think that's normal, especially when a loved ones passing not only affects your emotional life but the practicalities of your life as well.
I know it sounds silly, but in the beginning if I laughed or smiled at something, I felt so guilty. Even though I knew that my Mom would have wanted me to be happy and laugh and smile, I felt like if I didn't constantly remember and mourn her then it would mean I didn't love her or that she was forgotten somehow.
It's funny how your head knows one thing but your heart really doesn't want to cooperate.
Eventually (it took awhile though) I did realize that that WAS silly, and that the best way to remember her was to be and do what she taught me. Be happy, laugh and enjoy life and that was the best way to honor her memory. So if, somehow you do find yourself feeling this way, it's not just you.
You know, when things settle some, grief counseling or group meetings for folks who have lost loved ones might be helpful if they are available. Sometimes just knowing your not crazy and your not the only one can make a huge difference.
There's no rule book on grief. Everyone handles it so differently. You can feel really alone sometimes (even when you are surrounded by family). But it can be really surprising, and somehow comforting, when you actually voice what your feeling (if you can) and find someone else has the same feelings you do.
I know it probably doesn't feel like it now, Gildy, but you will find a new kind of okay. Just hang in there, my friend.
Anthony, you have proved yourself more than resiliant.
It is going to be a bumpy ride, but if anyone can make it, it will be you.
We had some bad news yesterday, that my son's half brother had passed away from cancer - 27 years old!
Carol
PS You are just putting down everything you are thinking and feeling and that is good - I admire you for it. :)
I have had some very supportive/thoughtful comments on my blog, no, not some, many and that also shows how everyone else is coping or have coped in a similar situation.
I'm not sure if I have said on my blog already...I know I have said it to a few people in the last few days...I am as interested in your tales as my own.
I know it cannot be helped but too many people talk of themselves, someone else gives a story about perhaps something that has happened to them, and it is just dismissed as though its nothing and they get straight back on about themselves. I'm not like that...I am interested in others as much as myself.
I feel it for you Carol, that's so sad...I am sso sorry if I have not replied direct to some of the comments that have been left here.
I'll do my best to reply to them.
Don't worry Anthony, it helps for me to put these things down too.
Carol
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