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Perhaps you'll learn more about me as you read my blog. For anyone who translates my blog using the translator facility, don't forget if you wish to read the comments in your own language to click on the title of the post down the left hand side otherwise they will remain in english. Also I assume that the translation is accurate but I don't know, so please allow for errors.

Monday, April 23, 2012

It's Already Nearly 48 Hours Since Mum Passed Away...

I'm ok(sort of)The grief is coming in waves. I've spent over four hours on the phone(nearer five)my phone receiver downstairs decided to stop working(I got five seconds dialing tone...then silence)

Do I need another? Probably not(Since writing this, I have purchased one approx £11, thought I may as well have a reasonably decent one)I'll not be phoning many people after the funeral is all sorted...

I have a mobile(probably the same thing will happen there)I have a phone in my bedroom(if I go back to sleeping in that room)I'm in the main bedroom in the double bed but I really should(if I continue to use that bed...change the mattress)There is a massive delve in it and springs coming through but then again if they move me the bed will take up too much space. So perhaps that mattress should be put on hold and it will cost a bit anyhow. Had Mum returned we'd always talked of having a new mattress.

The house is a tip and needs a good clean and tidying. My garden needs attention(Our gardener says he'll do it for nothing...this time)IF I can afford him in the future I'll have to cut down how often he does it.

I had nothing suitable to wear for a funeral so I have just been into Tesco's and managed to buy a white shirt with a black tie included(£8)a jacket(£17)being short I need to shorten the sleeves and I was going to attempt the work with an iron and wonder web but I can't move the buttons(Well, I might be able to)I have learnt to sew a little but I think there is a place on the town that does alterations, heaven knows what they'll charge.

I hope that they'll be able to do it in time.

Still got my cough but the cold seems to be improving. My voice isn't so good as I have been on the phone for most of the afternoon.

Changing utility bills over to my name(sad but it has to be done)Most of the time I was OK but I did lose it and the call centre staff were very understanding and gave me time.

Then I also found myself talking to the Father of my best friend who I haven't seen or talked for years(for whatever reasons that happens)Well, they've moved around a lot, London, Birmingham...Perth in Australia.

And my friend has found himself working away.

His Father was a Dentist and yet he is struggling just as much as the rest of us...health problems, trying to afford the car, watching the heating bills, having to leave house repairs undone and so on. And worst of all to prove how time has passed by he is 84 years old.

We thought highly of my best friend and his family(and vice versa)My mother especially felt about him as though he was a second son.

My friend has just returned to Italy until September as Holiday Rep but when he found out about Mum he was upset but he kept missing me...the one time he wrote a card(It arrived today)giving a number to call and saying how good it was to hear Mum was improving and may get back home, Mum had passed away the day before.

I spent 3 hours on the phone with his parents.

Last night another friend I'd lost contact with phoned and we were on the phone about the same length of time. It was as if there had not been a break in our friendship. Easy and no awkward gaps in the conversation(Heaven knows what her husband thought of her talking to this guy)

She asked me if I had eaten and I suddenly realised I'd last eaten at the Nursing Home at 1pm Saturday...it was now 1.30am Monday morning.

I must not give up on eating and run myself into the ground having said that I'm typing this and I haven't eaten since 1.30am.

Having purchased a phone and clothes for the funeral, I did a quick shop of things that hopefully will mean I can avoid shopping for a little while and are bargains...salad stuff, bread, milk, various packets of sliced meat, some bread buns etc...that will probably keep me going for a while.

I don't feel like eating but I will.

I also got a phone call from The Coroner today, I assume following up my call about whether Mum was getting the care she should've been in the home but I don't know if I want to put Mum through a Post Mortum. Do I want to know that I or some else had let her down? She had a serious illness that would be very demanding on her body. She has been an incredible fighter.

And I think her body just said enough! Then again can I accept that the cancer probably killed her and not always wonder was it because of another reason.
Tomorrow, I guess I really will have to start the ball rolling, even I don't want to, there is(I am sorry for the pun)a deadline.

So I'll have to inform Mum's bank, start arranging the funeral, possibly see my Dr and discuss Mum, the coroner is trying to obtain a Death Certificate from the Oncologist. Its not something to look forward to.

I have talked to the vicar and we feel that if its a small congregation for the service, it may look lost in what is a reasonably large church, so we think we will be doing it in a church almost next door to the home Mum was in and they say its smaller but it is said to have a lovely interior and the vicar suggested there may be chance to have more of Mum's favourite music can be played than we first thought. And then we can move over to the crematorium.

I've been advised to not spend as much as possibly the Funeral company might try to suggest. Mum is not here any more so why have the most expensive coffin, lots of brass work etc...Why have loads of cars(most people these days use their own transport)so one car will probably be enough(I'll probably be the only one in it)and some have said as most attending will be local we don't know how many will go the Crem and its been suggested the usual buffet afterwards is un-necessary.

Once if people visited from miles away, this was a way to give nourishment for the return drive home and it wasn't as easy to travel around the country years ago and it took for ever. And I suppose a chance to talk with relatives you hadn't seen for ages. That doesn't happen so much these days.

Having said all that its not that Mum isn't worth it, I'd happily spend every penny I have but practically I haven't the money and also things are likely to be very tight in future. But then again I spent whatever I could trying to improve Mum's life before she was ill and certainly whilst she was ill.

And its been noticed by so many and they keep telling me how well I have done by Mum, that I could've done no more than I have, not to question or feel guilty about anything and to remember the good times, this has come from neighbours, some staff in local shops, a few relatives and friends, even taxi drivers. And some have been upset when they have heard the news.

That's a tribute to Mum. Everyone(and I know that they wouldn't say otherwise)have said some genuinely nice things about Mum. My friend in Cornwall said Mum smiled with her eyes(not just her mouth. My friend's Father said Mum was gentle and had class and breeding. Others say what a nice lady. It goes on. This is probably many of the reasons she'll be missed. Even in the home staff also remarked how easy she was to do things for and how thankful she was of what they did for her.

Its going to be so hard to cope with what lies ahead but I will come through it however long it takes. I better Mum would not me to crumble and be miserable for what time I have remaining. And what would I gain by being that way?

Mum never used the term "Dead" when talking about people who had passed over, she always felt that sounded so final, it was always passed away or even died but never "Dead"

Dare I say its because of how my parents were I am who I am and I think that I don't touch other people lives and probably I don't but I know myself that I am respected and well liked by those I come into contact with. But you still have open the door, close it and be on your own.

I'd forgotten today is St George's Day but unlike the Welsh, the Irish and Scots who celebrate their saints England doesn't seem to make much of the occasion.

Right, I better away to make a little meal, have something to drink and get some sleep. Do you think I will succeed? No, neither do I.

4 Comments:

Anonymous VQ said...

You'll cope, Gildy, because you have to. You're quite right about not going 'over the top' as far as funeral expenses are concerned.
When my husband died, the funeral director was a very nice man and made a point of suggesting that it really wasn't necessary to go for 'top of the range'. He was right.

I'm so glad that old friends have been in touch. At a time like this it really is good to talk.
It's also good to cry when you need to and it's certainly no shame for a man to cry.
Finally, there is no 'right' way to do things. Do what you feel is right for yourself.

Now make yourself a cup of tea and have something to eat..... before you forget!

24 April 2012 at 07:50  
Anonymous Anna44 said...

Speak for yourself I have been cantering 'round my kitchen all day!! Maybe frightened the kids with my powerful sword and steed...and no husband doesn't mind how long I'm on the phone....our friendship goes back years and it's important, besides he was probably glad of me not finding him something to do!! x a

24 April 2012 at 08:04  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The undertaker we used was also very kind, and before we started he suggested that as it was a cremation, the cheapest price was all that was necessary, so it was easy for us to decide without embarrassment. It looked, in fact very good.

24 April 2012 at 08:16  
Blogger Span Ows said...

Hi Gildy, sorry to read your news. You sound like you're keeping busy and that is probably the best thing.

best wishes

David

24 April 2012 at 08:20  

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