Last Night(Part Two...)

I slept reasonably well allowing for walking through the night and going back off again. I sometimes felt that I had been asleep for hours and perhaps it had only been thirty minutes.

I had some disturbed dreams again...they are fragments so they are difficult to piece together. I was seemingly driving a car but the horn was too quiet and the steering wheel was coming apart. The nearest I can find for interpretation suggests that cheap or run down vehicles reflect vulnerability or a lack of resources.

I believe that Mum may've been in the passenger seat. People riding along with you in a vehicle is said to reflect aspects of your personality that are influencing your choices or the outcome of situations.

Later on I think that I talked to Mum about her coming back to live with me in my house, I don't know why she was living in another building. My own guess is that I see her passing as though she is in another location and I want her here where she belongs with me or me with her. Perhaps I am looking for comfort and security too. Trying to be sure that I can stay where I am and where all my memories are and I feel that I am losing control of the future. In my dream I am quite sure that she said that she would.

I believe I saw my Father briefly, I don't think that we spoke, I don't know what he was doing but the suggestion using a kind of dream website is that means a representation of conscience, or the ability to make positive choices, or choosing between right and wrong.

I seem to remember making a cup of coffee or tea for a celebrity I don't particularly care about nor think about and haven't watched for a long time, she works in the world of TV news and I cannot work out the significance of that by analysing it myself or find anything to help me work out the meaning.

I don't think that I feel as bad as yesterday but I am in reflective mood and there is a little bit of that knotted feeling in my stomach. I have a feeling though I will cope with the future, my time will switch between extremes of happiness and will be peppered with more days where I think of sad things and the reality that time is becoming shorter even if some say that I am still young.

I am trying...I keep telling myself things will improve and it is still early days but even my Dr says there is no beginning or end to grief, nor no right way to deal with it. At present I am unable to see my way forward but I am probably expecting too much too soon. And I do have times where I more my usual self but sorry if by reading this it makes you miserable to. I am doing this without counselling or any medication. Also without the support of family. But I am lucky to have some very dear friends on here like Jan, Carol, Paul, Span and Northern Bloke who often leave comments. I know I have a couple of Anons that are compasionate too amongst those that seem to be critical.

I found this on the internet...a version of The Byrds song "Turn, Turn, Turn" and some images put together by Rachel Esprinoza. It comes to an abrupt end and you have to sit through an ad before the video starts but often the ad can be skipped.