Its All Me, Me, Me...

What I have posted about Mum may give that impression so I must put that right immediately...

Of course I am scared and do not like the idea of her not being in my life and being alone, that's what comes of being part of a very close family. "We" went through this when we lost my "Dad" almost 28 years ago and we wondered how we would get over it. Not sure that we did but you carry on, I guess that you have to. In a way the blow was softened because we were there for each other.

This time around that is not the case.

But first and foremost the most important person in all this is Mum. I want Mum to be well. I want to care for her and if that means doing so for many years as long as I can I will do it not as a duty but out of love.

If its not years and Mum is seriously ill I will do all I can to ease any suffering or pain And any worry she experiences. And the one thing I do not want to see is her being distressed.

Already, I am with her more overnight sleeping in the same room rather than keep checking on her over night, if she has any concerns and is frightened I give reassurance that all will be well. I am showing no signs of fear and going on as I always have.

Some people have said that it sounds as though I have written Mum off...I honestly have not but of course we are both apprehensive of the news we may receive when she eventually is in hospital.

It has been suggested that I am spending too long on here or phoning around people telling them about "Mum" I phone so they are not suddenly shocked if I give bad news to them or they hear Mum is in hospital.

Some seem to think that I have been phoning a lot of people...there are not many to contact even if I wished to. Friends and relatives are few mainly due to age and them already having passed away or they live far away from where we live.
Its handful in reality.

The few that are around deserve to know and avoid a sudden shock of hearing second hand or possibly seeing it in a newspaper(or not finding out)

I have been on here for minutes and only whilst making a cup of tea, coffee or whatever otherwise my computers are virtually redundant and there are many tasks that I am so far behind on I am running out of hard drive space(That's almost 4TB's)and numerous rewritable DVD's, I'm not sure I'll ever catch up. In the future I may not be interested or bothered to attempt to and I may not be able to afford to access the internet. That's not important for now.

I have had some wonderful support from members on some forums that I take part in and wondered how much I should say about something so personal but that has been done via private messages not actually on the forums except one.

But when(and it is quite compliment)you have posters asking where you are and that you are missed to some extent you need some honesty.

So ok the priority is to get Mum over the next stage and stay positive. The other problem is still ongoing but has been pushed into the background...for now. We have to look at the positive signs...blood pressure was perfect, he listened to Mum's breathing and heart(but said nothing)is that good or to be worried about. As to the growth(I think it has started growing again)but the signs we are told to watch for are either non-existent or slight such as loss of blood. And none is ever on or in what is passed so it seems quite localised. A good sign?

But I have noticed more than ever today a loss of much weight and that is not good and worries me most. It worries Mum.

Some have said its a good sign that Mum was not rushed into hospital and was given a fortnight for arrangements to be made. But none of us really know.

Is it because a fortnight makes little difference either way and we all know that our National Health Service is struggling?

But unless something unexpected happens I may not mention this again until there is more news and as nothing else really matters I am unsure if I can post about things that seem trivial.

Update:It could happen sooner than planned Mum feels strange and has already been talking of me taking her in sooner. And she has convinced herself that she has cancer. It makes it harder to talk positive, if it is its whether its curable and if they'll set aside Mum's age and the cost. But we must remain upbeat.

I wrote that update perhaps 30 minutes ago...now its all change...it had stayed reasonably stable in size but I have seen it and it has grown quite considerably in a few days and Mum is talking of going to hospital tomorrow.