Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life...
Mum sung that to me a couple of days ago. I wasn't even aware that she knew the song, it was so touching.
Another is Que Sera Sera(Whatever will be, will be)
Yet here I am at this early hour(It was when I wrote this)with tears flowing and the realisation that I am probably losing her.
It seems to have happened so quickly and all at once.
There is dementia/confusion which I can put up with but I'm afraid its turning into Alzheimer's. Why should my situation be different to so many others, what hurts is that there is absolutely nothing that I can do to reverse matters. And watch as things unfold.
It doesn't help when she says herself that she feels that I am going to lose her.
All I can do is be there for her.
So many times I have felt like the little boy that cried wolf and could've posted something of such a personal nature(and I have also wondered whether I should)but I cannot change things.
I do appreciate how fortunate I have been to have had Mum as long as I have when so many do not.
To be honest I cannot see a way around this(I want to say that I am wrong I pray that I am)
Its taken a lot for me to press the button and publish this...I almost feel as though by posting this I am making it happen. In some ways I feel guilty or as though I am betraying Mum.
Another is Que Sera Sera(Whatever will be, will be)
Yet here I am at this early hour(It was when I wrote this)with tears flowing and the realisation that I am probably losing her.
It seems to have happened so quickly and all at once.
There is dementia/confusion which I can put up with but I'm afraid its turning into Alzheimer's. Why should my situation be different to so many others, what hurts is that there is absolutely nothing that I can do to reverse matters. And watch as things unfold.
It doesn't help when she says herself that she feels that I am going to lose her.
All I can do is be there for her.
So many times I have felt like the little boy that cried wolf and could've posted something of such a personal nature(and I have also wondered whether I should)but I cannot change things.
I do appreciate how fortunate I have been to have had Mum as long as I have when so many do not.
To be honest I cannot see a way around this(I want to say that I am wrong I pray that I am)
Its taken a lot for me to press the button and publish this...I almost feel as though by posting this I am making it happen. In some ways I feel guilty or as though I am betraying Mum.
posted by The Great Gildersleeve | 12:49 am
11 Comments:
Not only may it seem like it but so often it does happen all at once but don't feel bad about thinking why should your situation be different: it's YOUR situation which is precisely WHY it is different to others.
You're right about being there for her too and there is certainly no reason why you should feel guilty or think you have betrayed your mum: from what you have written you have done a whole lot more than most people already.
Thank you for your kind words Span they are very much appreciated.
I've been doing some memory tests this morning with her and some things she's been quite quick at answering, others she remembers eventually.
Its been suggested by another friend that there is a drug that may help slow down the problem and even if I lose her regarding the memory and our relationship changes it does not necessarily mean she won't be able to communicate with me.
It has been suggested that she could be confused by something as simple as a urinary infection infection.
I could hope...
I have managed to get some Complan into her which is said to be good at getting nourishment into someone who is ill, off their food, maybe having weight loss etc...
It won't do any harm.
One mug is the equivelent of a light meal, Two is a main meal.
Yu're welcome Gildy. yes, hopefully a minor illness that will right itself.
P.S. I think I may need to start drinking Complan or something similar! Trouble is I'd probably stillkeep noshing too.
I know its going to happen one day but she seems brighter today and more with it.
I may be imagining it but I think she's gaining weight(maybe that's the complan)and she's eating more again(think she's been off her food slightly)
As has been said earlier other friends on line are saying there is a drug available that could improve her memory but others are saying once again that in an elderly person it is amazing how a simple water infection can cause serious confusion.
I'll keep an eye on Mum and see how it goes...and won't hesitate to get a Dr out.
Luckily Mum likes the Complan but apart from the Chicken flavour the rest are mainly sweet flavoured like vanilla, banana, strawberry, chocolate and then there is original which I'm not sure what it tastes of.
Nestlé make a similar product and they offer a vegetable variety so that must be more like a soup.
Here on our town some of the range isn't available so you probably need to be in a larger town or city.
I may be able to make some fruit smoothies again which may do Mum some good too.
After sounding and having seemingly had a good day Mum's fallen by the wayside again unfortunately and she's struggling with my memory tests.
One that I remember from a test done when she was in hospital is to think of three objects...
Key, Orange and Ball.
Sometimes I get all three quickly, other times it takes minutes...
Other times I get orange but if she has to think of what comes before and after she forgets orange.
And often I get bell instead of ball and if she mentions key I'll lose orange and have lock mentioned. And sometimes instead of key I will be told screw.
Its probably been taking time for this to happen but it seems to have happened so quickly.
Two weekends ago she was watching Last Night At The Proms/Proms in the Park and enjoying it and singing along and knew everyone who was in the concert Russell Watson and Rolf Harris being two of the performers.
This is going to sound incredibly selfish but if Mum takes ill and has to be looked after we don't have a lot of savings but what she has would be taken off her for her care as would her state pension.
If on the other hand what she has was passed to me just paying the usual bills I suspect I could spend it within 2 - 3 years and that's no luxuries...just rent, food, heating and electric.
And living on my own income which is very low I suspect life will be very miserable.
I can seriously imagine not using central heating, giving up television and possibly not being able to afford to use the internet.
As its not just the cost of the internet but you have to be able to afford the rental on the phoneline.
I can see myself in a rundown little one bedroom flat and my life being very basic.
Not much to look forward to...
Hi Gildy,
Flying4x here. My heart goes out to you.
It is going to take me some time to catch up with your blog, but it will be book marked.
I can't tell you how pleased I was that you would send me that private message. But now I have another addiction probably! - following your blog!!
Anyway hope you get to read this? I am not so computer savvy and it may take me some time to negotiate everything.
Anyway you are in my thoughts. :)
Carol
Gildy, I have only just discovered your blog, otherwise I would have posted earlier.
If things do get that bad financially, you could manage.
Just stick to the free TV channels - I do. You can use computers at the library free of charge. And, when it gets chilly, wear a fleece over your indoor clothes instead of turning up the heating.
It's what I do.
It's amazing how little one can manage on.
I don't know how old you are but, when your dear mum eventually leaves you, you should try to join a club of some kind so that you can mix with people. Your library will have lists of clubs.
And just remember that your mum will then be in a better place.
Hello Flying4x and Virgin Queen,
Thank you for leaving comments and I'm so sorry that you had to join at a time when its so sad.
I don't want you to get depressed.
It is amazing how much you can do without but isn't awful that in this day and age so many are living such a basic life.
I watch very little television so probably could drop that altogether(heating too)
Mum has never held me back it has ended up being "Just us two" and relatives are few and as for friends they live away. Most of the friends I am lucky to have are those I have met on the internet.
I have never really admitted how old I am but what I talk about probably gives that away so I'll admit to being fifty three.
It probably would be nice if the worse happens to get away for a break but if I did and spent money, when you are on welfare questions will probably be asked and they'd probably say if you are fit to go away, you cannot be that ill.
Also, never knowing when you will be called in for an assessment especially as the rules are changing, if you are not available that will go against you so in a way its like being a prisoner.
Even renting a house means that the Housing Association might decide to do some work and if you are not there to let them in they can threaten you. And the trouble is you never know when they'll call.
It seems the more difficult the situation more problems are thrown in your direction.
Hi Gildy.
Even if we do get depressed we can all get depressed together (((hugs))).
I worry about the same things you do Gildy. I too live in an HA property and what with imagining squatters moving in suddenly if I am at work, or the HA deciding that I am in breach of tenancy because it's not up to their standard, I could send myself mad, quite literally.
Everything seems so tyrannical lately. We are not used to feeling so vulnerable here in the good old UK!
Anyway it is so lovely to be able to speak to you properly instead of thinking that is not allowed on DS as it is off topic.
I do hope you have a lovely day and not worry too much. Easily said I know. I can't imagine how tough things are for you.
PS at 53 you are a mere whippersnapper! I am 56. Just had a PVA face mask. Yes you read that right. Apparently it helps with the wrinkles ;). Cheap anyway at £1.75 a bottle - now that's what I call cutting corners!!!!!
FFX
Gildy, 53? Barely out of short pants! I'm 71.
I'm quite sure that nobody would ever mind if you took a holiday.
Well, they might not countenance six months in New Zealand but a week in Whitby wouldn't cause a problem. I take the occasional holiday - always in England - and travel by train. If you book your train ticket 12 weeks in advance, you can get some real bargains.
You're much to young for a free bus pass but once you do get one, you'll be able to travel, by bus, anywhere in England free of charge so that's something to look forward to.
You have rights, you know. Don't hesitate to get in touch with the Citizens Advice Bureau, Age Uk or your MP if you need help or advice.
Lastly, remember that it's good to get things off one's chest so never worry about baring you soul here. We all have problems from time to time.
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